Friday, November 03, 2006

Emotional Time

Man, the past few days have been very emotional. Been missing my brother more than usual. The meme I did the other day did not help, but seeing this again the other day REALLY got to me.

Just a warning, Mum and Dad, if you are reading this, you may want to get yourselves prepared to read and watch that. You really may want to avoid watching it. I told Mum about it on the phone a few months ago and have been debating about showing it to you or not. Stud says I should not, he doesn't think you guys can handle it yet. It is about a father and son, the son is like Davy. The father has done amazing things to allow his son to experience all kinds of joy, like when you would hook Davy up on that thingy and pull him in his chair behind the tractor you know, Dad?? And how we played hockey with him and pushed him in his chair??

Anyway, this is VERY emotional. The song that plays reminds me of Clown's reaction right when we told him Davy died. He knew immediately where Davy was and closed his eyes to watch him do all the things he had never been able to do before. The song is very happy and it is a wonderful thing. Anyone who watches it cries, I am sure. But for people who had a guy like that in their lives and now he is gone, it is especially emotional. We wish he could have lived to be a man also.

So that is what must have made me have a dream about Davy the other night. I dreamt that he was alive, it was all a big mistake. We found him. We were not sure where he had been, but it didn't matter. He was laying in his bed at the farm there and we were all gathered around him. I was trying not to scream and I was trying to share him with everyone, but I admit to shoving people out of the way in a desperate attempt to get at him. When I finally got my turn, I was kissing him all over his precious face and trying SO HARD not to scream with joy. We didn't want to frighten him, but it was pretty loud in there. We were all jumping around and hugging and freaking out, yet trying to keep it mildly controlled. I got to see those gorgeous eyes again and he was beaming around at everyone, doing his wonderful sounds, trying to talk. Trying to tell us all something. The kids were all climbing in bed with him to watch one of his movies with him. It was so awesome!

Then I woke up. It was not awesome at all, it was devastating to realise this is reality.

So yesterday, Princess was trying on some new earrings that Granny and Grandad sent her. (I will call you guys soon, she got the parcel and is THRILLED!) She was going ON and ON about how much she loves them and how she misses them and how they send her the nicest, prettiest most beautiful things EVER. She was saying how she wants to go to Canada and see them again really soon and she hates being away from them. Then she got really quiet and her chin started quivering and her eyes welled up. I knew she was missing Davy also. So I told her it was ok. She has not cried about him or talked about him in a good six weeks or so.

We both lost it and had about ten minutes of a sobbing, rocking back and forth hugging each other, snot and tears all over...time. I dunno what to call it. She was saying she can't let her brothers see her like this, EVER. I said it was fine, they understand. Guys are just different and they miss him too, they just think it is ok not to talk about it, but she and I know we need to talk about it.

So yeah. There you go. I need to go get her from school now. Great, now I have a head ache and my nose is running again. I can't even type about him without losing it!


Jude said...

You will always miss him and love him hon, but I promise you the stabbing pain of it will lessen in time. God bless you!

Library Mama said...

I saw the video you're talking about earlier this week and I sobbed for quite a while.

Please give Princess a hug from me and tell her that I say boys are different too.

On Sunday, I was feeling a bit hormonal (to put it mildly). I felt my mom's spirit all day. Many things reminded me of her, and I cried a lot as I thought of how much I missed her. Perhaps the idea of All Hallow's Eve is not so far from the truth. Maybe this is the week that we remember those who have gone before us, those who are "preparing the way".

Hugs to you and your whole family.

Lowa said...

Jude- Thanks! Some days are sure better than others. I really can't imagine how it is for my parents and all the kids/teachers at his school, who got to see him so often. If it is this bad for ME, and I saw him once a year at!

LM-I will be sure to tell her. Yes, this video is so moving. They say how parents of Special Needs kids are heroes and all this. That always bothered my parents, they didn't feel like heroes. You love someone, you care for them. Simple as that. People went on and on about how great our family was for Davy. We couldn't get them to understand how HE was great for US. I know Dick Hoyt would understand that!

I am sorry about your Mum. You sure are young to have lost a parent already! Well, as long as you cry when you need to and don't hold it in! I will certainly tell Princess that you agree with me:)