Monday, July 10, 2006

Physical Affection (or lack thereof)

So as I mentioned earlier, I was going to ramble about this a bit.

The other day, Clown and I were playing a board game. I was aware that Brain was in the room and Clown had gotten up and was near him. I looked up, and Clown was reaching across Brain's waist (that is about where he comes up to) with both arms. I took this for a hug. I was only slightly surprised, because Clown gets in moods where he is kind of cuddly. What surprised me more, was that Brain was letting him.

I did some sound in my funky baby talk language thing that means something along the lines of "Isn't that sweet??"

They both looked at me and yelled, "MUM!!!"

Brain chuckled and asked something like, "Do you really think we are being nice to each other or something like that???"

On further inspection, it did appear that Clown was indeed reaching and trying to retrieve something that Brain had taken from him and was holding behind his back.

As they were sorting it out, it got me thinking about how different all of my kids are in the affection department.

Take Brain for instance. He shows no affection to anyone but me. Has no trouble at all. Kid will be 14 in November, and still sits and curls up in my lap. Kisses me (even on the mouth), hugs me, actually finds any excuse to touch me at all. Holds my hand or just leans on my arm in public. Hugs me constantly. Twists my hair in his fingers. Has a hand on my arm or something as he talks to me. Gently lays a hand on my shoulder as he is showing me something he found on the computer or going to read me the latest poem he wrote. He is just always touching me.

I always thought this was because his main "Love Language" is physical touch. Until I noticed he is not that way with anyone else.

Jock is not that way at all, yet seems to crave physical touch from Brain. They have talked to their counselor about it. Jock and Clown are similar in that they will hug or kiss you on rare occasions and you must wait for them to come to you. I can go to Brain for a hug and he melts into me. If I feel like hugging Jock or Clown and move to do so without thinking it through, I get rejected 90% of the time.

Jock is more apt to come to me and hug me than Clown, though. I think Clown is more like me. I am not terribly affectionate in the physical way. Which sucks because poor Stud is and for some reason...I dunno. I am just not. Yet the counselor has noted that I am with our kids. I am really not that way with ANYONE, except my kids. So yes, Clown is the same. I am more like he and Jock in that I don't usually accept cuddles, a person needs to wait for ME to dish them out.

Clown is actually getting quite aggressive. Especially with me. Lately, he finds it amusing to hit me. Especially my boobs. I think he is trying to separate from me and all that and is angry and confused. I think he likes the boobs, but won't admit it to himself or hates that he finds them interesting or is curious or something. Who knows.

I will be going about my business and catch him half glaring and half smirking at my chest. He then walks over and starts insulting my boobs and telling me how stupid they are.

"Stupid things! I can't believe I used to eat out of those dumb things! GEEZ! That is SO DUMB!!"

I explain that is what they are made for and that it is good that he ate from them, it made him healthy.


He hits them. I tell him that is not nice and not to do it and end up distracting him somehow as we both chuckle a bit. I don't recall Brain or Jock having the same issues with the boobs as poor Clown is. I honestly think part of it is boredom and of course the reaction he got from me the first time he did it. I laughed so hard that I was falling off my chair. I found it so weird and odd. So I am sure he wants the attention. He has only done it a few times since the first time and he doesn't get the same reaction, so he has toned it down.

Anyway, this is one kid you are not allowed to kiss. AT ALL. This is just recent, that past year or so. I can do butterfly kisses on his cheek, Eskimo kisses on his nose, etc. But I can't even kiss his arm or hand or forehead or anything.

He doesn't crave affection from anyone else, whereas Jock does. Jock will sometimes come to me and just hug me for no reason. Brain does that countless times a day, but with Jock it is three or four times a week. With Clown, it is only if he is hurt somehow that he comes to me for comfort.

Jock also seems thrilled to bursting if Brain shows him any affection or encouragement at all. I have talked to Brain about this and he usually gets mad and talks about how annoying Jock can be. I remind him that he can also be annoying and none of us are perfect. Remind him of the sweet and thoughtful things that Jock does and how he looks up to his older brother. I also point out that he has no trouble showing me any kind of affection. If Jock got 5% of what he dishes out to me, he would likely be a totally different guy. So we continue to work on that.

Princess is a female version of Brain. So you can only imagine! She seeks out physical contact and dishes it out easily to anyone. She is extremely cuddly and affectionate all the time. Being the way I am, I struggle with it a bit. Brain is always touching me, but something about how he does it, usually doesn't bother me at all. With Princess, sometimes my skin actually crawls a little when she is all over me. She is just so...girly. LOL I was never one of those girls who skip around holding hands. I see those girls now and I still cringe. That just BUGS ME!

When Brain holds my hand it is for about 20 seconds in bursts here and there. Princess hangs half on me, pulling me over and holds my ARM. Not my hand. She is ALWAYS touching me, like as in doesn't let go for minutes at a time. With Brain, as I said, it is in bursts, which I guess is just enough for me or something. I force myself to hold hands with Princess and skip through the stores because it makes her so happy.

I will leave you all with some photos from a walk to the beach yesterday. We went for ice cream after at DQ.

I love this. All the little ducks following behind Daddy duck! Teehee

My baby girl and me!

I loved this one. She was watching a dog play in the ocean and I thought the way she was standing was so cute. I wanted to go in front and get a shot of her from a different angle, but by the time I was about to, she had moved and was walking towards Stud. I tried to get her to pose, but it is not the same.

Clown being his usual goofy self!


clairesgarden said...

you've been posting all theses great photographs, sorry I've been so busy I missed them going on, looks like the kids are having a great summer.
you're so good with all your kids and the different way they express things.

2HB2 said...

My kids are all different in the affection thing too. And I don't like to be touched or hugged much so it is awkward at times..
Nice pictures..

Lowa said...

Claire- Thanks, I certainly try to treat them all as individuals. Our counselor has made comments about how awesome it is that I "validate their feelings" or something along those lines. So I am pleased that I am at least doing SOMETHING right! teehee

2HB2- Yes, it is awkward, eh?? We need to somehow not reject them, but at the same time...when it is so uncomfy...even with Brain sometimes it is too much and I want him to get away from me for a bit. It is a delicate balance, trying to encourage, support, love and at the same time GETTING THEM OFF of you:) teehee

l said...

I love the duck pic! You have to like living in these parts a *little* bit, no?

I wonder if someone at school said something to Clown about boobs and now he's all embarassed. Maybe he's just figured out that you're a WOMAN and not just his mom.

Lowa said...

Oh, I love it here. If I have to live in this country, this is the only place I want to live:)

Clown does not attend school, but perhaps some of his friends said that. Personally?? I think he is just a freak:) LOL

Maggie Ann said...

Beautiful pictures of your is complex, I pray about everything. Only God our maker has the answers and it comforts me to know in my heart whatever I need, he will supply it...even if its a peace within me to wait upon him and let go of my 'figurings'. "Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and shew thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not." Jeremiah 33:3 btw, I become instantly uncomfortable when someone at church stands too close to me while speaking..I keep backing up. My family is fine, but...'elbow room, cried Danial Boone'...grin. Thats just the way it is, right?