Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Relief

Alright. Everyone got to SC safe and sound.

I did not post about it, but have been incredibly uneasy about this trip. The past ten days or so, I have been nauseous and very nervous about them going. Just had a bad feeling for some reason. I finally told Stud on Sunday night. I had been debating if I should tell him or not. I am sure if I was about to fly across the country, I would not like someone to tell me they had a "bad vibe" about the trip. Ya know?? I decided to go ahead. I don't think he thought much of it. LOL

As the time grew near yesterday, I was getting weepy and emotional. Brain came to me in the kitchen as I was getting snacks ready for the kids' backpacks on the plane. He said he had a bad feeling and was worried. Then I REALLY panicked. I asked him about what. He said about their flight. I told him that I had been upset too, and that REALLY worried him. The more I thought about it, I was remembering more things.

Jock has been VERY clingy and loving. Telling me he loves me over and over again. This was the past three or four days. Princess has been feeling sick to her tummy for about ten days. I kept on meaning to get her to the Doc, but never got around to it. She is at the age where everything hurts and worries her and it is often when she has been asked to unload the dishwasher or tidy her room or fold her clean clothes. So I didn't take it too seriously, I guess.

Then when I was all upset, I was wondering if maybe she has some sense of something going to happen and that is how it is affecting her. My mind kept on going all over with all the scenarios of what might be happening. Ever since my brother died last summer, I have been very traumatized. Part of why I have been feeling sick also, is the first anniversary of his death is looming and whenever I think of that, it feels like there is a huge rock in my gut. I am sure I will post about him, when the time comes. I sure want to share as much as I can about him, since he was so amazing. I mention him here and there, but want to share more about how incredible he was. I am thinking perhaps the one year mark may be the time to do that and may also be a bit of a healing experience for me. I am still numb in many ways and keep on finding ways to ignore how I feel and not deal with it. I am great at that anyway, but about something like this, it is especially not healthy.

So I think that may have added to my fears. My mother knew that someone in our family was going to die last year. Not that something bad was going to happen. But specifically, that someone was going to die. She assumed it was either my Dad, or her. Did not occur to her that it would be her 13 year old son. Then less than a week before he died, I had a very odd premonition. It was like a dream, but not. I told my parents and we thought it was odd, but assumed it was because I was worried about Brain. That is another story that maybe I will write about later.

So we got to the airport and Poor Stud had all this stuff. Each kid has a backpack, suitcase and pillow. Princess had her new purse, stuffed full with necessities. Bubble gum, lip smackers, change purse (containing a new $5 that I gave her! She is SO EXCITED!) little toys and a Three Musketeers that she chose. I let them pick a treat at the store before we left and that is what she decided on.

So Stud had all this stuff and I was just dropping them so I wanted to get them dropped quickly and get out of the way. Brain stayed home by himself. He was worried that if it was the last time he saw them, he wanted them to have good memories. He was worried if he went along, they may fight and those would be his last memory of time with his sibs. What a horrible thing for him to have to think about! The feeling was that strong, it was just freaky! So I was in a rush to get home to him, also. It was late at night, I don't like him being home alone that late.

I started crying when I was hugging Jock. He said not to, or he would. I went to Clown and said something about not wanting to make him sad, but I was going to miss them all. He called me back over and motioned me to bend down. He whispered, "Like you always tell us. If we need to cry, we need to do it. Don't hold it in. Go ahead and cry, Mummy. I won't mind. Don't worry about not wanting to make me sad. I AM sad. I am going to miss you a lot!!!"

Of course then I was really struggling. I went to Princess and she said, "Mummy, I am scared." STAB. Like someone stabbed me right in the chest. I was SO tempted to just load them in the van and go home. She loves to fly. She is never scared! *sigh* What on earth was wrong!?!? She told me she is scared she will puke and need a barf bag! She was very ill the last time she flew and she was nervous, thinking since she puked the last time she flew, she will this time also.

I spent the drive home, alternately crying and praying. Cry some more. Pray some more. I got pretty peaceful and listened to my praise songs. Then of course some of the kids' favourite ones came on, that they always dance to. I shut it off and just prayed all the more!!

I called Brain and he answered in a panic. I could tell by his voice he was a ball of nerves. I said they were in the airport. He said for me to hurry and get home. When I was almost home (we are about 45 minutes North of Sea-Tac) I called Stud. They were waiting at the gate. Jock talked to me a lot and I bawled the entire time, but hid it from him wonderfully:) I am SO GOOD. I draw it all from my years of acting in high school:) I bet he had NO CLUE I was a blubbering fool.


Princess talked to me a bit and one of the last things she said was, "I hope I talk to you soon. I hope I see you again. Soon." When she said Again, I was FREAKING! Like she has had some premonition and that is how her five year old self is telling me. Then she added the soon and I admonished my goofy self. I was just looking for negative and needed to get a hold of myself!!

At 4:05 this morning, I woke up suddenly. I recalled this was around the time they were to land in DC to catch their connecting flight. So I could not sleep for about 45 minutes, praying that all was well. About four hours later, Stud called me from his mother's house. YAHOO!!!

I still won't relax until they are back here on the ground in Washington state. What a roller coaster the past few days have been. I am never this way at all. We fly fairly often and I have never been this goofy about it!

Let me find a picture of my babies to post and I will close this down now and spend some much needed time with Brain.

NO, I will do an separate post, devoted just to photos of my babies:)

6 comments:

Library Mama said...

I'm sure everything will be just fine, but just for some extra insurance, you'll all be in my prayers until you're all safe together again.

Have a nice peaceful time with Brain.

NTFrog said...

I get that way too, L, when M travels for work, or when he takes one of the kids to visit his parents, or even when we all travel somewhere together. Then I think about my SIL's family, who all travel allover the world all the time; and I think of how many planes take off and land every day just fine. I think a big part of it for you is that you are ALWAYS with your kids, so you are not only dealing with worrying about them travelling across the country, but also dealing with separation from them.
They'll be okay!!! Will keep you all in my prayers, too!

Lowa said...

Thanks guy!

They seem to be having fun. Stud has called a few times and sent some e-mails. They got sprayed with the garden hose yesterday by Grandmama with their two cousins! Sounds like fun!!!!It will be nice for them to form memories with E and M, who both recently turned 4 and 3. They think my kids are amazing, since they are all "big kids", ya know? Yes, I considered it being since I am seldom gone from them. I think if I leave, I am fine. But if someone takes them somewhere without me...I am not sure that has really happened. Yes, it has. About three years ago Stud took Clown and Jock down there and I was totally fine. No problems at all...weird.

NTFrog said...

don't forget, you are older now, and probably more senile....

2HB2 said...

I'm also sure everyone, including you, will be fine..

Maggie Ann said...

wow, what a draining experience...but you know what, I would have felt the same way. I would have cried my eyes out...where-ever that expression came from. Parting is soooo hard. I am very sorry to hear about your brother's passing. May God enfold you in his loving arms every time the heartache comes..and may you remember God is always with us...'I will never leave thee nor forsake thee' he has said. Well, its getting late. I have gotten the kitchen all cleaned up...'pretty' and have just baked our 2 friendship cakes. Its one of those recipes where a friend gives you a bag of starter and it sits 10 days, getting milk , sugar and flour added on the 6th day and it makes its own yeast. Anyway, no more baking for 10 days now. of that anyway. Hope your Sunday is blessed and that your beloved family are home before you know it!