Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Today has been hazy. That is the only word I can think to describe it.

Been thinking a lot about my little brother today. Think about him every day, many times a day. But today I was kind of out of it, thinking about him non-stop. Like so I am not sure how I got anything done or what else even really happened.

I know I took Bee to the Dr. and she got shots, etc. I totally remember all that. I remember talking to my friend C for over an hour on the phone. We are bringing her back with us after the holidays and neither of us can wait!!! She is so much like my brother too, since she also has CP. Being with her is so special. Not only because of how sweet and precious and fun she is, but because she reminds me so much of my sweet Davy.

I think what set off the weird haze was when I saw a boy in a wheelchair sitting on a school bus. I was on my way to get R from school. Made Bee and B aware of it (L is at a friend's house) and then cried a bit. Wanted to make sure that I would get it all out before we arrived to get R. I try to avoid crying in public and making people uncomfrotable or anything.

I don't really remember getting to R's school. Which frightens me. I got there 15 minutes early, which is very disturbing considering I left at the usual time and I am always right on time. I have it timed well.

We drove up and parked and I looked at the clock in the van. I was sure I was not speeding or anything and the kids did not seem upset or anything. I commented on the time and B ventured that perhaps it was because L is not with us. I didn't get the connection, but he said L is very slow and takes a long time to leave the house and get in the vehicle. I couldn't get him to understand that we left at the time we always do and somehow got there in half the time.

Got home and called my Mom. We talked of our precious Davy as always. Some days are better than others for me. But today was one where, again, she had to continue to ask me what I was saying because I was crying so hard, I could hardly speak. As Oprah calls it, the "ugly cry". I am very good at that when it comes to my little brother.

I am so thrilled with the tat and gaze at it often. I think I will get another one, that my mother will write so I can have her writing on me as well. She seemed very excited by the idea and told me what she would write. I could put it in the exact same place on my other arm.

Man, I hate that I think of him as much as I do. I watched the slide show from his funeral and Bee and R wanted to watch with me. After that, to cheer us up, we watched a film we made this summer when their cousin G was here from Syria. She is a HOOT and cheered us up a lot! I need to remember to send her a copy of it in her Christmas parcel. I have to get that mailed to Damascus SOON before they leave for Australia for Christmas.

Then, R asked where Davy's shirts were. They had slept with D's shirts for weeks after he died. I put them away because I did not want his scent to go off of them. I have been scared to check them, I want them all folded together and next to each other so other things from the air around them will not go on them and take away HIS smell. I was thinking of sealing them in a ziploc bag but was worried that plastic smell would overtake his smell.

So I went to get them and we passed them around and each were frantically smelling them all over, to find some of him. Suddenly R got a joyful look on his face and his eyes filled up with tears and he shoved this one spot of one shirt at me and said "Right HERE. Just on this spot, just a little, don't you think???" I grabbed it and shoved it to my nose and took a deep breath.

Yes, just a bit. I can't describe what that is like, to smell just a bit of him again. R quickly took off what he was wearing and put that shirt on and said he will wear it, and only it, "for three days". I am not sure where that amount of time came from:)

Bee was sobbing and crying and we kept smelling more of them to see if we could find more. She shoved another one in my face and asked if that was him. I again shoved it almost UP my nose and was crying again. She took off her clothes and put it on and said she will use it for a night gown.

The smell is so faint, I was wondering if we were imagining things. I expressed this concern to the kids. Bee did not hesitate. She said there was a simple way to find out. She got up and walked to her closet door, which is a huge mirror. She lightly bashed her forehead onto it and exclaimed "Nope! This is not our imagination, this is REAL! We can REALLY smell our Davy on his shirts!!!"

R started writing note after note after note to Davy, and wanting me to take his picture with them. They are all in silvery shiney ink and say things like "I love you so much Davy, and I love you again."

So we all have our own ways of grieving and healing. B went to write an e-mail to Granny and Grandad and express how much he misses D, but how happy he is for him that he is in heaven. L will come home tomorrow and who knows when the next break down will be.

Mom was saying how hard it is to get anything done and care about anything. I have many days when I feel the same and I don't even consciously realise it is my grief over his death. Man, like even just saying "death" or "funeral" or anything like that in relation to him doesn't make sense. I think part of it is my health and exhaustion with my thyroid mess. I am not sure how much of a part each of those plays in how I am feeling lately. I guess we will find out about the thyroid soon, since I finally got some blood taken yesterday.

So yeah, anyway. That was our day. Pretty hazy and all blurry and running together. Hubby is home and reading to them and will get them in bed. I have a busy crazy hectic day tomorrow, so better get myself to bed.

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