Well, things have been a bit rough the past few days. I go along like things are fine. But really, I am pretty sad. I have to go through the motions and everything. Friday was kind of hard, on the way to the kids' Science class suddenly it hit me hard and I was struggling to hold things together. Until then, I had gone over a week without crying, which I was impressed with.

I miss my baby brother REALLY BAD. I am kind of dreading going home and not having him there. Well, I am REALLY dreading that part, but am very anxious to see my precious parents. I can't wait to see them and it will be fun to see my other brothers too. My nephew and one of my nieces will be there and we have not had any Christmas with them since he was 9 and she was 7. They are now 19 and 17. So obviously, it has been ten years since I have had Christmas with them. I have not been with Davy for Christmas since 1999 and I thought I would get to this year. A split second can change everything. Now Bee and R will NEVER have any memory of Christmas with him and I am sure L and B don't. They were 7 and 4 the last time we had Christmas in Canada.

Things will never be the same again. EVER. And I don't like that. I want to go home to the farm I grew up on. And I can't. Which in itself would not be so bad, if at least Davy was still with us.

I want to run in and hug my baby brother and kiss him and hear his laugh and see how big he has grown since the last time we were together. But I can't.

I want my parents and brothers and family members to be like we always have been. But we can't be without our beloved Davy. Nothing will ever be the same. We will always wish he was there with us. Always wish he was laughing with us or that S was teasing him some more and Mom was running around making him comfortable in his wheelchair or stander. I want to see him sitting on our Dad's lap, watching hockey. Or see my kids or my brother's kids laying in his bed with him, laughing and goofing around. *I* want to lay in his bed with him again and watch Fred Penner and listen to his precious sounds and him trying to talk to me and kissing my cheek.

It sucks really bad. I never imagined my baby brother was going to leave us so suddenly and certainly not so soon. I always wanted a baby brother. I finally got one. He was the best one any person could ever ask for. And I only had him for 13 and a half years.

Don't mean to depress anyone, those are just some of my thoughts today.