Monday, May 15, 2006
Well, I hope everyone had a lovely day.
Stud had to play guitar during both services at church AGAIN. Normally it is every other week and since he did it on the 7th, I assumed he was not doing it yesterday. I was wrong. He forgot to tell me that he was also on the schedule for Mother's Day.
When he plays guitar, he needs to be there by about 8 am. There is NO WAY I can get all the kids up and ready by then, so the kids and I try to get to the second service. Sometimes Stud will take a kid or two early with him, so that I have less people to get ready on my own. The problem with that is that since he is there more than an hour before any service or classes start, the kid has to sit and watch them all practice. So it has to be an older child, who finds it easy to sit and behave.
Once I discovered that he needed to play guitar, I decided I could not attend yesterday. I did not want to spend what I think should be a lazy selfish day, rushing around getting kids and myself ready for church. I spent too many years doing that all on my own and even though the kids are older now and can do more for themselves...I dunno. It just kind of traumatizes me and gives me flashbacks of all the years that they were tiny and helpless and I was left to do it single-handedly. Stud is much more helpful of late, but those flashbacks are pretty upsetting.
When I found out that he was going to have to go early and there is no way he could take all the kids, we agreed that when he got home from church, he would do something with them and I could have some peace and alone time.
Also since he was going to have to go early, he made me waffles on Saturday morning. They were yummy! Some of the kids brought me a waffle and some bacon in bed. I also woke up to my favourite drink from Starbucks. That was very sweet.
So yesterday he went to church and the kids played and ran around the house. I spent some time on the computer and some of them brought me cards they had made. They were so precious and priceless. I love those kind of cards the most! Stud called and asked what I wanted to eat for lunch. He picked up food from my fave Thai place and when he brought it home, it was the wrong thing! LOL He ordered my usual, but they messed it up. I ate some anyway, and it was not bad.
Then I went to go have some peace and quiet. Went shopping at Target. I got Princess some shorts and T-shirts, since things are warming up and she has nothing. Being the only girl, she doesn't have any older sibs to have hand me downs from. Even Brain has hand me downs, from my baby brother who was just 9 months older than Brain. I had a nice time looking around Target. I also got myself this since I suspected I was not going to get any gifts. Normally they bring me gifts in the morning, but since Stud was gone before any of us even woke up, I thought maybe I would be presented with something later in the day. By the time I left, it was obvious I was not going to be getting a gift to open. I love the flowers and cards, don't get me wrong. I am just a gift person, it is one of my high up "love languages" and I didn't get anything for my birthday last fall either, so I guess I am going through withdrawal.
Then I took myself to a movie. Poseidon. It was a rough one to watch. Not a great choice, because I am deathly afraid of drowning, crawling through small spaces, and many other things that ALL happened in this movie. It was good, but just hard to watch. Especially at one point when this little boy and his mother are separated by a small thing that they can't break through and the side the boy is on is filling up with water. They are crying and telling each other how much they love each other and there is NOTHING the mother can do to save her son. I was a blubbering fool during that part.
When I got back, Stud had taken all four kids to his hockey camp thing that he has going on for six weeks. So I had a chance to call my Mum. We talked for almost 3 hours! It was wonderful and very healing. It is always healing to talk to her about my little brother. She and Dad are having better days sometimes now, she said. I am very glad of that.
We had planned to send Princess and Brain up there for a week or so this summer. Jock, Clown and I feel like we cannot go. Just the thought of being there, where I always loved to be and not having my brother there to kiss and talk to...it is just wrong. Christmas was hard enough, but it was different because it was a totally different season. When he died, had, until that point, always been a very happy and wonderful time that we all always looked forward to. Now that time will always be traumatic and...I dunno. So the plan has been for us to just fly Brain and Princess up there. They LOVE it at my parents' and feel the need to be there every summer like they are used to.
Mum has always told me that she understands that I can't come. Yesterday when we were talking, she started sobbing so hard and said that it was important to her that I am there with them for the first anniversary of his death. She said she can understand if I can't come, but she wants me there with her and Dad, if I can. Of course, I can't say no to my precious Mum. If it will make things easier on her, then I will make sure I am there. So we have a lot of plans now to put into place.
Enough blabbering for now, I have much to do today. Those termites of mine are all sleeping in! Their father let them stay up until after 11 last night!!!