Alright, I will explain as best I can what has been going on lately. I am quite upset and my hands are shaking as I type. I will correct as many typos as I can.
I need to backtrack a bit. Stud and I met on the internet in 1988. I was attending the U of R (University of Regina) in Regina, Sask. Canada. He was attending Clemson in South Carolina. We started talking in August of 1988 (Eighteen years ago!?!? I feel SO OLD!!!) and he flew up in December of that year for us to meet in person. I flew down in April of 1989 for three weeks. He flew up again in July for about a week and then in December, when we were married in Saskatoon. Our relationship consisted of those visits, talking often on the phone and some letters. Not your typical courtship.
Stud had a very close friend all through high school. We shall call her "M". He raved about her all the time. He had pictures of her on his bulletin board and carried a photo of her in his wallet for many years. He may actually still have it in here, I am not sure. I met her a few times and I really liked her. We had a few laughs and I thought she was cool. I can't remember if we spent more time together after Stud and I were married and I moved down there, or during my three week trip in the Spring of 1989.
We moved up here in 1991. The plan had always been to settle in Canada. He had told me whether we ended up together or not, he wanted to live in Canada. Which I found odd since he never made much attempt at getting a job up there. Anyway, we settled here as a compromise. Not Canada, not South Carolina.
Brain was born in 1992 and Jock in 1995. In 1997, when Jock was almost two, we moved back to SC. Stud thought it best if our children grew up near family. Soon after we moved there, M called me (I think. Maybe Stud asked me to call her, not sure. I am certain she called me, though) and asked if Stud and I were going to their ten year High School Reunion. They actually graduated in '86, but were having the ten year in 1997. I talked to her a bit. She was married and due with her first child at this time. Stud and I ended up not going and I am not sure if she and her hubby went or not.
We lived there until 2000. I never heard from her again. I asked Stud a few times while we lived there if we were going to go visit her, meet her baby etc. He never seemed interested. Once we moved back here in 2000, I would ask sometimes when we went back down for visits. Are we going to try to see M??? He said there would be no time. I was kind of confused by it. I found it odd that if they were such good buddies, they would not make more of an effort to keep in touch. I knew I would, and just thought how men are different and I guess I won't press the issue. If he wants us to visit her, he will make it happen.
This past winter, he told me that he saw her on the classmates thingy that he looks at sometimes. He contacted her and they were e-mailing. He said he was worried, she had not mentioned her hubby. Soon, she told him that she and her hubby had recently divorced. Which was what Stud was suspecting and worried about. We thought how sad that was. I told him to tell her I was sorry and that I said hi and was thinking about her.
For about a month, he would come home and tell me briefly the latest from her. Soon, the updates stopped. I asked him when I thought of it (every month or three weeks, I suppose) how is M doing?? You have not mentioned her. He said he was busy at work and had been meaning to get in touch, but had not. He would soon and then update me when he did. This went on for about 4 or 5 months, still apparently no contact with her.
About a month before he and kids were leaving for SC, I thought "OH! Stud should visit with M when he is down there. He has not seen her in so long, that would be cool." Then I forgot about it. A few days later, I did ask him something along the lines of how is she and has he heard from her. He maintained he had been busy and had not heard anything in a long time.
He and the kids had been in SC about three days when I got an e-mail from him saying that he and M had met for lunch. I was glad for him and asked how she was, etc. He also said that he and his mother were taking our kids to the lakehouse that day (Friday, July 21st) and his sister could not come because she was due with her baby any day. The plan had never been for them to be there then. When he had talked about the lakehouse plans, he always maintained they were not going until Sunday afternoon. I remember he was annoyed, because I would suggest they go earlier, so the kids could have even more time there. He got very short with me when I suggested that.
That night I called him at the lake house and he acted odd immediately. I asked him what they were doing and who all ended up going. He said he and our kids, his mother and M and her kids. My immediate respsonse was "Why didn't I even think of that?? Now our kids will have some kids to play with, how fun!?!?"
Within a few seconds, something pricked somewhere in my mind. I was thinking..."wait a minute. Something seems a bit off. If they had not been in touch at all, this all seems a bit sudden here. Lunch and now this...weird..." So I asked him something along the lines of "Was this planned before you left home??" He confirmed, yes, it had been planned for some time. He was whispering to someone, they whispered back and then a door closed. Something just seemed weird and secretive.
I got off the phone and my friend D, who was here from Spokane, looked at my face and immediately knew something was wrong. I told her what the deal was and she admitted it seemed odd, but we were both sure there was some explanation.
Turns out they stayed Friday AND Saturday night because Stud's mother's car broke down when they were trying to leave Saturday afternoon. I am still confused as to why no one else could come and get them (their home is about 90 minutes away from the lake) and why they had to stay another night. But whatever.
So when I was talking to Stud about that problem on Saturday night, all of a sudden I heard a voice in my head say "Ask him where everyone is sleeping." I thought that was silly, and brushed it aside and talked about other things. But the idea of where they slept would not leave. I prepared myself for what he said. It still felt like a slap to the face, though.
He said that he and M slept in the guest room together, each in their own queen sized bed with their five year old daughters. Her nine year old son, Clown and Jock all slept out in the Living Room and his mother in a King sized bed in the Master Bedroom. I found that not only amazingly inappropriate, but was surprised by something. Stud avoids sleeping with our kids at all costs. If they ask to sleep with us, he gets mad and goes to a couch or makes them feel sad and they just go to their room and don't sleep with us. He HATES sleeping with our kids and doesn't hide that fact. So to hear that he volunteered (I later found out he is the one who suggested the sleeping arrangements) to sleep with Princess, was very bizarre.
He claims I over analyze things. To a degree he is right. I feel I have no choice, most of the time. Being married to a guy who does not speak to me really, I have to guess and press and ask question after question to get the most simple explanation of anything. He feels interrogated by this. I have begged him for years to just TALK TO ME and I won't feel the need to make assumptions, and second guess things all the time.
Anyway, once I found that out, I was pretty upset. Couldn't eat really. Wasn't sleeping because of the heat, but on Saturday night when I laid down to try and sleep, I kept thinking over and over in my mind, "Right at this moment, Stud is sleeping in the same room as another woman. Our children know this, I wonder how this will effect them and what they think of it. Here is yet ANOTHER example of how disrespectful he is to me."
Found out also that lunch, was not lunch out, but alone at her house. Her kids were nowhere (Stud says he doesn't even know where) and he did not even tell our kids where he was going or THAT he was going anywhere. They asked his mother a while after they noticed that he was gone. Jock tells me that one night before that (he can't remember if it was the night they got there (Tuesday) or Wednesday night, Stud also went to see M. He said he would be gone for half an hour and Jock fell asleep before he got back. In the morning, his mother said something to him along the lines of "You were gone a lot longer than half an hour last night." and Stud just shrugged and smiled.
Stud told me since that he only went for lunch, he went nowhere at night. However, he is not an honest person, so unfortunately, I will believe my children who were there and witnessed this, over someone who has often kept things from me and been dishonest. I still have NO IDEA why he has always felt the need to lie and keep information from me. It has always hurt me deeply and counselors have tried to get him to figure out why he does it. The worst part is that he is in denial about that. Had a gift of turning it around and making me question myself and doubt myself. As the years have gone by, I have become better and no longer doubt myself as much as I had been. I have not asked the children a lot of questions, I do not want to be that kind of person. Thankfully, I have not needed to. They have come to me with many concerns.
Jock called me very upset the night before they came home. He said his Dad was going places with M a lot and that he was VERY nice to her. I asked what he meant by very nice and he was trying not to cry. He said, "He just talks to her a lot nicer than he does you. He isn't mean to her AT ALL. And they sit together a lot and are always touching each other and just really friendly." Then he whispered "Mum...they slept in the SAME ROOM."
I told him I knew that and how did that make him feel. I could just see his precious face and his teeth gritted together when he spit out, "I DON'T LIKE IT." I told him could tell me anything that was bothering him when he got home and to not worry, Daddy and I would deal with it. Then he said, "I am seeing...other things." He wouldn't tell me what he meant and he had to go, lots of people were coming in and out of the room he was in. I tell you, I was LIVID that Stud put Jock through this. If he wants to act inappropriately, he does NOT need to involve our precious innocent children.
So, now for the short part. I have been unhappy in our relationship for years. From day one, Stud has been incredibly self absorbed. Thankfully, he never hesitates to admit that fact. During the years before children, I worked at least two jobs at a time. He was always out with friends, going to bars late and wanting me to come with him, even though that is not my scene at all. He would spend the night at people's houses, not call to let me know what was happening, etc. I did not have my driver's license until Brain was a baby, so I relied totally on Stud, or walking, bus or biking, to get myself places. So many times, Stud would "Forget" to pick me up from one of my jobs and I would arrive home drenched from walking in the rain to find him playing video games with his buddies.
When the children came along, he says he felt ignored. I laugh thinking back at it now. We always planned on having kids, but I had Brain when I did, BECAUSE I wanted some attention, someone to take care of and something to do other than work back breaking jobs all the time. I didn't realise at the time that was my reasoning, but looking back I see it now. I was incredibly lonely. I had left my country and family, only to be ignored and I felt, used. I had hot meals ready, kept the place clean and was good for sex. So I was confused later, when I devoted myself to the people who paid me attention, needed me, and LOVED me, that he felt ignored?? He had me before and never gave me the time of day. Why was he suddenly jealous of some small innocent people???
Stud has some valid points. I am not as physically affectionate with him as he needs. He says that nothing he does is ever good enough. I can understand him feeling this way. The thing is, I have BEGGED him for years to tell me how he feels, tell me what I am doing wrong or what he needs from me, and he has acted totally caught off guard and said things are awesome, nothing at all is wrong. I have told him it is wrong for me, this is how I feel...yadda yadda. For a few days it seems he tries to be nicer but it never lasts long at all.
He says I judge him and M does not. She just listens. Well, if dude WOULD TALK TO ME, I would listen also. One of my main frustrations has been that he refuses to talk or open up, tell me about ANYTHING. When he does talk to me, it is to talk down to me. He is AMAZINGLY condescending and demeaning. Many people have pointed it out over the years and we have actually lost friends because they are so uncomfortable seeing how he talks to me. Obviously, I am guilty too. It is not just him. I am convinced that it is a defense mechanism that I developed to deal with the painful things he has said and done. Doesn't make it right and I am not excusing myself. Just stating a fact. M listens because she doesn't have SIXTEEN years of pain and frustration built up. Of course she will listen?!?
Anyway, finally in our counseling on Friday he admitted that he may not want to stay married. I have often fantasized over the years about what it would be like to be "free" and not live with the constant walking on egg shells. So I admit to being quite excited and relieved at the idea. Jock has asked me off and on for the past three or four years to divorce his Dad. He adores him, but Stud is really in his own little world much of the time. When he comes out of it he is also quite controlling and just honestly out for himself. I could give countless examples, but I won't. At least not right now.
He says he wants to be a bachelor again. He doesn't want to fight over the kids, which is great. He is just now getting in touch with how he feels about things and needs time to get used to these feelings. Turns out he calls M from the office and his cell phone fairly regularly. He won't tell me how often. He deleted all the e-mails between them and then had me waste about 20 minutes the other night looking for them. Then went through a big production about him searching and then finally admitted, "OH, I guess I did delete them after all." Just another example of the mind games and control he enjoys. He reads my e-mail. Read through everything I said to anyone about any of it. I have always told him exactly how I feel and do not hide things from him. That is all I have ever wanted from him, but he is incapable of it for some reason. I am sure nothing physical is even going on with he and M, they are just there for each other emotionally (which of course for me, a woman, is just as bad. Especially when I have BEGGED for years and tried to be there for him and he refused) but he loves to just play games with me and make me wonder. Very cruel.
Man, I had guys all over me all the time 35 pounds ago. I was constantly being flirted with and asked to go out, even though it was no secret I was married. They didn't care. And they were relentless, they DID NOT GIVE UP. At least guys I worked with. Other guys who I didn't know, like just guys in the street or whatever, even when I was with my little kids, would come talk to me and ask me stuff and whistle and come right out and say how great they thought I looked. I just never even considered it. I knew, especially as emotionally neglected as I was, if I went anywhere with any of my guy co-workers, I may cave in and do something bad and wrong. It is like the dude in the bible who was being tempted by that woman to sleep with him. He ran! That is what I did. You run from temptation, you don't purposely put yourself IN IT.
Even now, still. Guys look at me sometimes. Jock notices it more than me. He used to ask why that man was looking at me and smiling. I told him I wasn't sure. Now he just grins and says, "Another guy was checking you out, Mum. See that guy, he keeps smiling at you and nodding his head. I think he wants you to notice him or something." He thinks it is hilarious and really seems to get a kick out of it. I always think it must be because I have a booger hanging out of my nose or something. I never have had self confidence. It always annoyed Stud, too. Jock gets annoyed at me too and tells me I am pretty and that is why the guys look and smile. I guess there must be some truth to that. So that is great, whatever. When I was young and had them all over me, I didn't do anything. Stud is almost 40, you would think he would know better than to put himself in situations like he does. This is not the only incident. I had to call our Pastor a few years ago and ask him to talk to Stud because of inappropriate behaviour with another woman AT OUR HOUSE during weekly bible studies!?!?! *sigh*
So, we are not sure what we are going to do. At first, when Stud came back and was honestly telling me how he felt about M, I felt so relieved and happy. I was glad he was being honest. It was hard to hear, but I always just wanted honesty. He told me he has been talking to his Mom, sister, even his ex-fiance for crying out loud! But not me. The ONE PERSON who can do anything to fix it. That is hurtful and VERY frustrating since I KNEW he was feeling that way. You just don't treat people the way he treats me, if you loved and care about them. So I am confused about some things, but I was just glad he was being honest. I told him, now I feel connected. I always just wanted a connection. I felt SO good about him and was just really hopeful about things and felt more devoted and wanted to be a good wife and dote on him again like I used to etc.
Then, more lies again. The weird game about the e-mail. Just still being secretive. I refuse to live that way. So we will see where this goes. I DO NOT want my kids to be a product of divorce. I think that is SO SAD. Yet, I don't deserve to go through life always wondering what is going on, what is he doing, is he lying to me again about some silly little thing?? The thing that upsets me the most, is that he involved our kids in behaving the way he did when he was there. What a horrible thing to do. Jock is SO HURT and upset seeing his mother disrespected even more. *sigh*
So there you are. Stud is now back from riding on his motorcycle and we are off to shop for some things at Target. He told me it was fine for me to write how I feel on my blog. I wasn't sure if I was going to or not, but this is pretty huge and life altering.
Of course I will update you all. Thanks for listening and caring:)
Watch for some photos from their trip to SC shortly!
